


Not Enough Never Enough

by closetpsycho



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Loki and Tony are best friends, Self-Harm, Sensitive subjects, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-17
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 07:56:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetpsycho/pseuds/closetpsycho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avengers AU! Tony expected Loki to open the door. He always did. Always. Today was different. Tony could hear the music being played on the other side of the door and knocked louder this time, calling for Loki to open the fucking door, neighbors be damned. Warning; possibly triggering. Subjects are suicide, alcohol and drug abuse and also cutting. Song-fic, details inside.</p>
<p>Already posted on ff.net under the same name</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote this, I went back to it after a few weeks and thought; "This is absolute crap". Then I got a message from a friend of mine (whom I sent the story to, when she was very insisting on reading it) who was like "I love you, this is one of your best works, omg I cried!"
> 
> So I thought, what the hell?
> 
> Though, turned out she was serious about the crying. What I thought was just word-vomiting turned out kinda good.
> 
> ehm.. yeah, enjoy

**Not Enough Never Enough**

Tony expected Loki to open the door. He always did. Always. Today was different. But why? Tony had known Loki for long enough to know, when he was upset. To know, when he needed a hand, though he would never ask for it, unless he was drunk or high on drugs. And Tony often called or came over to help his friend in need. He knew what it was like, being in the receiving end of multiple cases of abandonment. Thor tried his best to be the good brother, Tony knew that. But currently, his father’s accept was more important than his brother’s needs. Loki was not exactly favored by Odin. To put it mildly, Thor was the golden child. Always was, always will be. And Thor couldn’t help that, Tony knew, but he couldn’t help but resent him for the fact that Loki had practically been living in his shadow ever since the day he was born. Maybe not since the day he was born, since Loki was adopted, but the point was clear.

Tony could hear the music being played on the other side of the door and knocked louder this time, calling for Loki to open the fucking door, neighbors be damned.

  


> There's nothing you can say  
>  Nothing you can do  
>  There's nothing in between  
>  You know the truth

> Nothing left to face  
>  There's nothing left to lose  
>  Nothing takes your place  
> 

Loki often used music as a sort of safe haven when he felt insecure or incompetent, and those two often went hand in hand when his father was present. Loki was typically seen wearing ear buds and having his beloved iPod Touch at his side (usually playing loud enough to rob him of his hearing before he turned 30).  
Tony didn’t hate Odin per say, but he sure could use the book **Parenting 101**. When your son is in need, you don’t turn him away. You fucking listen and hug the freaking life out of him, that’s what you do! Tony took out the apartment’s spare key from his pocket. The one Loki had given him for emergencies. The one Thor didn’t have. The one Loki trusted Tony with. The music was almost deafening when the door was opened, and Tony briefly wondered if Loki had soundproofed the whole apartment.

> When they say  
>  You're not that strong  
>  You're not that weak  
>  It's not your fault  
>  And when you climb up to your hill  
>  Up to your place  
>  I hope you're well  
> 

Tony rarely used the key, fortunately. When Loki didn’t answer his door, he was usually drunk or on drugs, flying so high, not even God would be able to reach him. Loki didn’t do it often, but sometimes saw it as a last resort if the music wasn’t distracting him enough.  
Tony didn’t find out about the cutting, before after 6 years of knowing Loki. He hid it that well. When Tony found out though, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know. Hundreds upon hundreds of scars littered Loki’s body. Loki casually waved him off, ‘no big deal’ he said. Tony had felt like he wanted to cry.

> There's nothing left to prove  
>  There's nothing I won't do  
>  There's nothing like the pain  
>  I feel for you
> 
> Nothing left to hide  
>  Nothing left to fear  
>  I am always here  
> 

Tony wandered through Loki’s apartment, not surprised to see smashed vases and teacups. Though the amount of tilted furniture was new, but not unusual. He cheked the stereo where Loki’s beloved iPod Touch was currently the source of the music. Being connected with Loki’s expensive sound system, the song was set on repeat and Tony didn’t bother disconnecting it or stopping it. If Loki was really that deep in one of his moods, unplugging his distraction was a really bad idea. Speaking from experience.  


“Loki, please answer me!”

> When they say  
>  You're not that strong  
>  You're not that weak  
>  It's not your fault  
>  And when you climb up to your hill  
>  Up to your place  
>  I hope you're well
> 
> What you want  
>  What you lost  
>  What you had  
>  What is gone is over
> 
> What you got  
>  What you love  
>  What you need  
>  What you have is real  
> 

“Loki, please!”  


Tony was now officially worried as hell. He always checked the bathroom first, as Loki was usually sitting in the bathtub, staring into space with a syringe in the arm or several bottles of vodka littering the tile floor (Loki had a liver of steel). He was nowhere in sight, and it disturbed Tony greatly. The smashed mirror wasn’t exactly helping either. He finally noticed the bedroom door was closed. And before it, several drops of a thick crimson liquid painted the wooden floor red. Something cold settled in Tony’s gut and he ran to the door, pounding it with all he could.  


“Loki!”

> It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
>  It's not enough, I'm sorry
> 
> It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
> 

Tony had desperately hoped the cutting had diminished by now. The itch had been pretty serious about 2 years ago, but Tony was there and helped Loki when he cut too deep or when he lost control and cut too much. Tony didn’t try to make him stop cold turkey. Because he knew that would be downright impossible. But he made Loki promise he would at the very minimum call when he felt the need, so they could try to solve whatever problem Loki might have. Tony was there for him. The drugs were never that serious, and the drinking never went further, than creating a fucked up hangover. The cutting however, was worse than Tony thought and was apparently not stopping any time soon.  


> When they say  
>  You're not that strong  
>  You're not that weak  
>  It's not your fault  
>  And when you climb up to your hill  
>  Up to your place  
>  I hope you're well  
> 

The door finally caved in, being nearly kicked off its hinges as Tony had grown more desperate. Tony stopped dead in his tracks and he felt the air leave his lungs. His entire being froze at the sight and he felt like someone had punched him in the gut and then dumped a bucket of ice water on his head.  


“Loki.”  


He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He felt his legs turn weak and with a quiet whimper he sank to his knees. He held a hand to his mouth as he felt his stomach flip in his gut. It was because of sheer will only, that he didn’t throw up. He slowly crawled forward and tenderly touched Loki’s motionless form. The shoulder seemed to be the ideal place to grab and Tony shook the man, his friend, hoping to wake him up, praying that this wasn’t really happening. Something stung in the corner of his eyes and he shook his friend harder, now positively desperate.  


“LOKI!”  


Blood. Blood everywhere. It stained his clothes. It stained his skin. It stained his face. It stained the floor. It stained his friend. It painted the harsh reality for Tony; Loki won’t answer your calls. He won’t answer your pleads, your prayers, your begging. He won’t and never will. Not anymore.

> It's not enough  
>  No  
>  It's not enough  
>  It's not enough  
> 

**“LOKI!”**


	2. Chapter 2

Tony felt sick.

That was the best word to describe his current emotional status as well.

The music was pounding his ears and the bass was vibrating his body. He could tune out to this. He snapped out of it when the song came to an end and the silence was deafening in his ears. The iPod started the song once more and Tony felt his gut turn. He barely made it to the bathroom before he lost his battle with his stomach. Acid burned his throat and he coughed to clear it. He swallowed and almost choked as he tried to breathe properly. He saw his hands shaking and he fell back against the wall, drawing his legs up. His legs were shaking as well.

Maybe his entire body was shaking, he didn’t know. He managed to stand and made his way to the stereo system. He couldn’t bring himself to turn it off, so he lowered the volume and the high pitched tone that usually entered his mind after concerts started to play. It was a horrible mix, but he needed to be able to hear himself think. He looked at the doorway and the drops of blood on the floor and he felt his insides cramp, but no nausea. He thanked a higher power that he couldn’t see Loki’s body from here-

Tony choked on a sob.

What the hell kind of person was he- No! It was damn normal not wanting to see a dead body- Oh fucking hell! Tony swallowed again to try and control his stomach and hoped he wasn’t about to barf on the carpet. A few moments went by and Tony looked at the phone on the table. A half dozen calls from himself lit up the screen. He pulled out his own phone and dialed 911. He hesitated to press the little green button that would connect him.

He looked back at the doorway and took a step closer. Eventually he ended up inside the room, his back against Loki’s closets, his free hand clenched into a fist and knees bent, leaning against a wall. Tony didn’t know whether to be thankful or not; Loki’s eyes were closed, seemingly sleeping. It made it easier to look at him.

He finally pressed the button and held it against his ear.

“911, what’s your emergency?” a female in the other end responded.

Tony breathed in and tried to get words out, but he only choked on air and nothing understandable came out.

“Hello?” the dispatcher called and Tony tried again.

“I… I’m at a friend’s house,” he managed before he had to pause.

“Sir, is this an emergency?” the lady asked, but no annoyance was in her tone. Only worry and confusion.

“He’s dead,” Tony spat, cursing himself when tears burned in his eyes and cooled his cheeks as they fell.

“Sir, I’d like you to stay where you are. Can you tell me the address?” the dispatcher requested and Tony complied, his mind going on automatic for a few seconds. “Now, can you tell me what happened?” she asked.

Tony choked again on a sob, “I came over; the neighbor had complained about the noise. He likes – liked - to listen to loud music.” He needed to paused again and his hand clenched, his fingernails burying themselves in his palm. He looked at Loki’s face, calm and still. He took another breath, “I knocked, but he wouldn’t open, so I used my spare key to get in. I looked around and he was in the bedroom. He’d cut his wrists open, he was dead before I got here.” He rushed through the last few words and had to close his eyes and breathe deeply to avoid vomiting again.

“The ambulance will be with you in less than five minutes, sir. Would you like to stay on the line with me?” she sounded worried, and Tony didn’t know the answer to her question. Did he? He wanted to be alone, but the distraction would perhaps be nice. But there was something he had to do.

“No, I’ll… I have to call someone,” he said eventually and hung up before the dispatcher could reply. He scrolled through his contacts and eventually got to Steve. He thought for a moment and kept scrolling. His boyfriend could wait a little longer, he decided, settling on Thor’s name and number.

“Hello?” Thor’s voice was cheery, and he could hear the telling noises of cooking in the background. He also heard two female voices, which meant both Jane and Darcy was with him. Tony was frozen for half a second before blurting what he needed to say.

“Loki’s dead.”

Thor didn’t respond, but the background noises died down after a moment.

“What?” Thor’s voice was haunted and Tony felt like shit.

“I’m at his place. For fucks sake, he’s – he’s cut his wrist open. He’s dead,” Tony didn’t know how to say it, and was probably only making things worse, but he hadn’t exactly prepared for this moment. He didn’t know what to say!

“I-” Thor cut himself off and Tony could hear heavy breathing. Oh please, don’t start crying, Thor please! “I understand,” Thor whispered and Tony swallowed.  
“I called an ambulance. I’ll ask them to take him to Asgard, yeah?”

Asgard was the nearest hospital, and the hospital where both Thor and Loki had been born. It was also the best in town, and was almost always flooding with patients, nurses and doctors. Tony glanced at Loki. He wouldn’t be much of a patient- Stop!

“I’ll meet you there?”

“I’ll be in the reception,” Tony promised and suspected Thor was nodding.

“Bye,” Thor said and quickly hung up, in a manner not unlike how Tony had hung up on the dispatcher.

-x-x-x-

The next half hour was a blur.

There had been noise, people asking him questions and the bright lights of a hospital.

He was now sitting in the reception, like he’d promised, and he wasn’t sure how he got there. His head cleared a bit every time an announcement sounded in the speaker system, and his knee wouldn’t stop bouncing. He was biting his nails he noticed suddenly and folded his hands in his lap.

He hadn’t called Steve yet. He could use his sleep, and he’d most likely insist on meeting Tony at the hospital to drive him home and to make sure he wasn’t alone tonight. Tony didn’t want to burden his boyfriend, not right now. But maybe it would be best.

His thoughts were interrupted when Thor’s voice echoed in the hall, “Tony?”

Tony looked up and saw Thor running up to him. He stood up, his legs feeling wobbly and tried to make eye contact. He felt a bit dizzy, but shook it off and Thor came to a screeching halt in front of him. Tony couldn’t say anything, opened his mouth and closed it again. Thor pressed his lips together and enveloped Tony in an almost bone crushing hug. Tony was limp for a time before wrapping his arms around Thor’s waist. Height difference jokes forgotten for a night, Thor stepped back and put his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “What happened?” he asked and Tony felt tears sting his eyes again. Thor quickly helped him sit and he put his face in his hands.

“I came over because the neighbor had complained about his music again. I didn’t think anything serious was wrong. But he wouldn’t open up, so I used my spare key to get in,” he paused and he could see that Thor didn’t know Tony had a spare key. Something aching to anger boiled in his blood, but he pushed it aside and continued, “I found him in the bedroom. He’d cut his wrists and… I couldn’t do anything, he was already-“

He couldn’t continue and Thor squeezed his shoulder.

“I see,” Thor croaked and Tony looked up, a bit startled to see tears run down the blond man’s cheeks. He shouldn’t be startled but he was, and the anger from before returned but he suppressed it. Thor didn’t need him ranting of how shitty a brother Tony thought he was. Perhaps he wasn’t a shitty brother at all, but right now there wasn’t a whole lot Tony could trust in the world. He though he knew Loki, but apparently not as well as he’d liked. And now it was too late.

It was too fucking late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you wanted a sort of aftermath chapter and this was what came out (after a long period of nothing). Hopefully it provided some sort of closure, but if this wasn’t the sort of closure that you sought, feel free to PM or comment and tell me about it.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been suggested to write a story about Tony and Loki's past relationship and activities (no frostiron,, unfortunately). I think it's going to be a multi-chapter piece, but it won't be out for the next few weeks. Send some suggestions if you want (if you can,, I'm new here).
> 
> ~ closetpsycho


End file.
